My Worry as an Autism Mom and Why It Never Rests

Parenting a child with special needs is so much more than helicopter parenting. It is never taking your shoes off, being ready to run, casing every room, knowing every exit and danger, being drenched in sweat, never sitting, searching your child’s body for marks or bruises, up all night worrying, parenting. It consumes me at times. And deep down I worry that it is destroying me.

It’s not like it happened overnight. It was an evolution. I am a pretty chill person. My kids fall and I wait for the severity of the scream and their reaction before I dive into mom mode. I believe in walking it off. Letting kids fall of bikes. Leaving a little skin on the field.

That’s the person I am…or was…or trying to be with my 4 year old. But as much as I wish I could just relax and sit back and watch Cooper play I know in my heart it isn’t possible.  He is constantly in danger.

I am an autism mom. I am caring for the most vulnerable of children. I am his eyes, ears, brains. I am one step ahead of him at all times.

And because of it I am slowly driving myself bonkers.

My worry never stops. At any given time I can tell you all the given dangers in a room. I know when Cooper has something in his mouth. I know when he is going to run. I know where he is going to dart to. I count the exits. I know every item that can be thrown. My shoes are laced up. I am in comfortable clothing. And I am ready to chase my kid if needed.

Trying to describe the emotional weight of caring for an extremely vulnerable child is impossible…but here is my attempt.

Ramblings of an Autism Mom Around Acceptance

My favorite topic to blog about! I’ve been noticing a trend. Every morning for the past few weeks I wake up to dozens of emails from parents looking for hope, help and guidance.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

I did the exact same thing when Cooper was younger. I would stay up late…usually after some sort of meltdown or a particularity hard day. And I would search for a blog where the child reminded me of Cooper. And  I would reach out. And in a really weird way I would feel guilty for reaching out to a stranger. But it was so much easier to say all of my worries to a stranger. If I said them in real life it felt too real. I felt like a traitor. I felt weak and embarrassed.

First, keep emailing me. Keep reaching out. It’s good for you and and it’s good for me. I enjoy hearing from you.

Second, I spent the day thinking about how I got to the well rounded peaceful place I am today. BAHAHAHAAAA! That was a joke. I am a mess. But I am a mess who smiles and laughs and is mostly at peace with her place in life.

How did I get here?

I gave into Autism.

Let me say that again. I gave into Autism.

I gave up the perception of what I wanted life to be. It was really hard at first.

I wanted to go out to dinner and join friends at events and go on family vacations…but, unfortunately, we couldn’t do those things. And the second that I accepted that I was able to relax and find peace.

Check out my video. I give more details. Hugs to all of you!