I know I’ve been gone forever. I go through these droughts where I don’t know what to say about Cooper. Trust me I have hundreds of things I could write about but the words don’t seem to flow out. Maybe I am too tired. Or overwhelmed. I don’t really have an answer.
We are still having major potty training struggles and successes. Cooper is pee trained but his pooping is worse than ever.
We have made the decision to keep Cooper at Fraser day treatment for one more year. So he will do half day kindergarten and half day Fraser.
We’ve lost his Medical Assistance and gained it back. What else. He’s still nonverbal. He’s still happy all of the time. He’s learned how to joke and be silly. He even wrote his own name on a Mother’s Day card for me. It was one of the proudest moments of my life.
He had his IEP evaluation and ROCKED it. His teachers continue to work with me and love him.
Every week of Cooper’s life is eventful. Extreme highs and lows.It’s been that way for 5 years.
And yet, I haven’t wrote a word in this blog. I took a break. I internalized. I cried and I laughed. I actually yelled at him one time so loudly that it made him cry.I’ve even struggled with how to discipline him versus his brother. So much has happened.
I continue to feel like I am failing him. Like I’m not doing enough.
I spent a full week crying to a friend about how I am failing as a mom and an employee and as a partner. And she told me to watch the video below. She told me it would change my outlook on being a mom.
And, she was right. I loved it. I watched it at work and I was immediately inspired to go home and let the house work and laundry and exercise go and focus on being a mom. I made a pact with myself to put my cell phone down and play with my children that night.
I was going to say YES when my children asked me to play. What a novel idea.
I went home and I was hell bent on playing. Of course Sawyer was game. We jumped on the trampoline and rode bikes and played cars and blew bubbles. The list went on.
No Cooper though.
He was busy wandering and stimming and playing on his iPad. I could not engage him no matter what.
By 8 pm I was exhausted. My day started at 5 am and I was spent. As I got the boys in their pajamas Cooper finally decided to ask me to play. He wanted to be silly and engage with me and read books and be tickled. And I felt like I had nothing left to give.
I had failed. I have a child that doesn’t ask me for anything…ever. I mean he asks me for milk and a snack. Lunch. Change his diaper. Or a hug. That’s about it. His needs are few. Cooper literally never engages with me. He never asks me to play. And when he finally did…I was too exhausted.
I felt awful.
How do you be the best parent to a child that needs almost nothing from you? It’s an interesting thought. I realized that I need to be available to him whenever he decides to need me. I need to make ‘saying YES to Cooper‘ a priority above everything else.He may only engage with me once a week and I need to be available.
Watch this video. It’s very inspiring and motivational and I LOVED IT!