I gave up yesterday. The details really don’t matter I guess. All that matters is I was pushed to that place where I didn’t recognize myself.
I’m fighting with Cooper’s school and for the first time I saw that they are looking at him as a number and not a child. All the horror stories I’ve read about schools and special needs kids happened. I spent hours talking to people that have never met Cooper….nor do they really care about his best interest. Cooper is a special child with special needs.
It got nasty. I pulled all the ammunition I could think of. And it took all day and it’s still going. I think I’m going to lose. For the first time I can honestly say Cooper is not getting what’s best for him.
And then I lost Cooper. Funny how I just posted about that. I knew he was safe but I couldn’t actually find him. And the transportation company lied to me. They outright lied.
I yelled at more people yesterday than I have in my whole entire life. It wasn’t me. I was this crazy version of myself.
And then the hardest part. Cooper had the most epic of tantrums at Dairy Queen over a melted ice cream sandwich. His little body turned into a 50 pound bag of jello. It lasted 10 minutes and it was loud and he was close to injuring himself. And me. People stared at me. At him. I could not get control. I couldn’t hold his body or calm his screaming.
It was the perfect storm.
It was the worst day.
So, on the ride home, as Cooper watched his iPad, I gave up.
I started to really feel sorry for myself. As my friend would say….’let the pity party begin.’
I started to ask myself why I was doing all this. Why was I fighting so hard.
I work full time. I have another child. I have a life. I can’t spend all day on the phone arguing over an IEP. Or calling therapists and bus companies.
I started to really fume.
Here is the question I couldn’t get out of my head…..’does it really matter?’
Does it matter if I fight for Cooper? Does the therapy matter? Or am I just fighting to fight?
At this point should I just accept the situation and stop kiling myself.
I would turn myself inside out for him. But…should I have too?
I only ask because this could be it. He might never talk. So why fight for more speech therapy. Why fight for more of anything.
Maybe we should just stop and let him be.
Maybe I would be happier. Maybe he would be happier.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t fight for our children. But the level of time that goes into Cooper’s care is unbelievable.
So yes, yesterday I was in a low, low spot. It was ugly. I will eventually dig out and keep fighting. Because that’s what moms do. I would be lying though if I said thequestion wasn’t still nagging me…
Maybe I would be happier if I stopped fighting so hard…..