I am staring at Facebook right now and trying to decide if I want to post anything. If I do, then everyone knows that my son has autism. If I don’t, I feel like I am shaming it. Such an odd feeling.
What if people look at it and feel bad for me. For our family. I don’t want that. But everyone should know…right? I’m not embarrassed. Or ashamed.
But I also don’t want to be like….‘This is Cooper. He is autistic.’ I don’t want that either. It’s a damn fine line I tell ya.
I just realized that April is six months since we received Cooper’s diagnosis. Six months since we drove three hours away to sit in a little room and have therapists play with Cooper.
I will never forget that experience for as long as I live. I was sweating. I was on the verge of tears. I was so mad at Jamie because we were late. And because he wasn’t nervous or sad or angry. I wanted to know why my son was different. I wanted answers. But I also didn’t want it to be autism so my plan was to fake it till I made it. I was like a tornado overcompensating for Cooper’s every need.
And Cooper was so on. He was social and friendly. And then I started to get even more nervous. What if they say it’s not autism and it’s something else. If you ever want to know what crazy looks like ask for video from that day. I was manic.
And then Cooper started flipping the light switch. On. Off. On. Off. And laughing uncontrollably As we sat there in the dark I knew what was coming. Sigh. I remember thinking, “they can’t see me cry in the dark.”
We left there with a diagnosis. I changed after that. Cooper didn’t. But I sure as hell did.
There are time when it’s felt like a death sentence. And there are times when I forget that he even has it. So how do I put that in a damn Facebook post?
As much as I don’t want to ever talk about autism I would by lying if I said autism wasn’t our whole lives.
One conversation at a time I guess.