Why is that Little Boy so Sad?

FullSizeRenderI brought Super Cooper to school today because the bus system can’t seem to get their shit together. Which is just awesome. But, the positive, I got an extra few minutes with Cooper. And something extraordinary happened.

We were driving to school and I was rushed and going a million miles a minutes. The usual.

I started to tell Cooper all about his day. Just like we had been doing since 6:30 am. I’m not sure if telling him about his day helps but we do it anyways. So, I start to tell him that mama is going to drop him off. We are going to walk into school and wait for Miss Anna and his friends and he is going to go play and have so much fun. and then mommy is going to go to work and daddy is going to pick him up. He is the going to have lunch with dad and then get on the bus for Fraser with Robin and go see his friends. And mommy will be right there to pick him up after.

He just stared at me with these bewildered eyes and I burst out laughing. It does sound like a bit much for a 4 year old. And it sure feels like a lot for me.

As I got him out of the car he burst into tears and wanted to be held and carried into school. And I did of course. I can’t imagine being scared and not being able to say it out loud. Paralyzing.

But, I also am human. And I am tired. I spent the day yesterday on the road for work and then the evening at a seminar to learn how to get help with Cooper’s medical bills. I was spent. And I had to carry him a half mile. Through the snow. In the cold. And I knew I would have to go to his classroom and he would probably scream. And of course I will be late for work. And the list goes on.

We were a few minutes early so I set Cooper down on the bench in the lobby of the school.

My mind started to wander to all of the millions of things I had to do today. Like call the county every hour until I get a hold of Cooper’s case worker. He was dropped from his medical assistance this month and I can’t seem to get to a real human. Awesome. And I thought about how I haven’t seen Sawyer in two days and yesterday was his birthday. I wanted to stay home with Sawyer for a few minutes this morning and let Jamie bring Cooper to school but no go. It didn’t work out that way. And I started to tap my foot and check the time every few minutes. Where the hell was his teacher….

There was a kindergarten class in front of us lining up and a kiddo pointed to us and said to his teacher, ‘why is that little boy so sad?’

I looked down at Cooper to see if he was sad. He was just sitting there taking it all in. He was clutching his blanket and me. And I thought about how sad we both looked. And it hit me.

We were sitting together. Like, a real mom and son.

He wasn’t running around screeching. And it had probably been 10 WHOLE MINUTES. Cooper has never sat with me for that long. And quite honestly, I never expected for it to ever happen. Not soon anyways.

We sat there and I talked to him about the kids and school. He just listened and snuggled. He was actually aware of where we were, what we were doing, etc.

And he was holding my hand.

And then I didn’t want his teacher to come. I wanted to sit there all day and hold this kids hand. And I guess, be sad. But ultimately just be with him.

And then his teacher appeared and took his hand. I bent down and hugged him so tight. And off he went. And off I went.

The-Last-Time-poem

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5 thoughts on “Why is that Little Boy so Sad?

  1. Okay, crying over here. So beautiful. I’m sorry Cooper was sad, but oh the bliss of realizing what a gift those moments are. Hugs. Thank you for sharing.

  2. I cannot even fathom how a mother can hold down a job while at the same time managing everything autism. Hats off to you girl, and to every mom who juggles it all. I’m not working because I’m disabled, and even at home all day I can barely manage it. Healthy or not, autism is a full time job.

    The buses here can’t get their shit together either so I’ve given up on them and just drive my kid to preschool everyday. Now that I’ve canceled bus service, I notice the bus actually shows up at my house every single day, which is the epitome of irony. *sigh*

    My kid has preschool in the morning and then private therapy a couple afternoons, and those full days seem to be doing a number on him. I’m not completely sure it’s going to work long-term but we’re trying it. I hope you get help for the bills…I’ll be digging my internal organs out with a spoon and selling them on the black market to the highest bidder! Many hugs to you and The Super Coop! (Glad you two had a moment together…priceless!)

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