Looking Back

I’ve been down since Cooper’s birthday. So has Jamie. We’ve done a very good job isolating ourselves and Cooper. And when you live in a bubble it’s incredibly easy to block out delays and differences. But the party brought it all out. No hiding. Don’t even get me started on age 4 as a milestone.

I know we will bounce back. We always do. It just needs to run its course.

So, anyhow I spent the night looking at videos on my iPad. I absolutely love seeing videos of the boys as babies. Before I really knew. And I stumbled across this video.

The first thing I noticed is how little Sawyer is. I watched the video from start to finish and laughed at how I am a combination of desperate and excited about Sawyer talking. His voice is my favorite sound in the world.

And then I watched it again. And heard Cooper screaming. My anxiety started to rise. I felt it in my stomach. And realized I didn’t even hear him the first time. This video is 6 months or so ago and it was during the phase where all he wanted to do was watch movies in the truck. It was a tough phase. And if it wasn’t winter it would still be happening.

I watched it again and noticed how it’s a beautiful afternoon and remembered how I brought icecream sandwiches out for the boys. And Cooper wouldn’t eat it. He only wanted to watch a movie in the truck. And if we didn’t let him he would run for the road.

I got mad at him as I watched it over and over again.

I’m really on this ‘What Autism Looks Like To Me’ kick because I think people have no idea. I know I didn’t. Autism to me looks like a distraction. A loud, stressed out kid in a non stressful situation. And parents that are just trying to survive.


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