A Conversation with Myself

5cf1d8712b68641350493c15bb0a3684A couple nights ago Cooper was being a real bear as I was putting him to bed. I read him a story, tucked him in, put up the gate at the door to his room and went downstairs to continue my never-ending unpacking journey. As I suspected Coops did not want to go to sleep and screamed/yelled at the gate. Normally I don’t let it bother me. I check back up every so often, put him and bed and go on with my night. But, tonight, it annoyed me. My day was long and I just wanted a smooth evening. And, Sawyer was sleeping in the room next to Coopers. I let him go on for 10 minutes or so and then went up to check. I came around the corner and I see him standing there holding a Thomas book. As he sees me he wipes his alligator tears, smiles and takes my hand.

And it hit me. Just as it usually does in this hand/palm way….the poor kid can’t talk. He can’t simply say, “Mom, can you read me another story?” God it is so frustrating.

We were past story time so I climbed in bed with him in hopes that he would pass out quickly.

He was holding this ladybug thing that projected stars up on the ceiling in red and blue. He looked so innocent.

I pretended to close my eyes in hopes that he would fall asleep faster. And as I did that my mind went a little crazy.

Please God make him better. Please, please, please. Please let him talk.

Fix him. Just fix him.

That’s so stupid to wish for Kate. He can’t be fixed.

And what kind of freaking mother wishes their kid would be different.

And to make it worse, you are an autism mom. The other moms would kill you if they knew you wished that.

DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG.

I wonder what his voice would sound like? What’s in his head right now? Does he think like me?

I can’t believe he is almost four.

I am dreading his birthday. It was easier when he was turning 2 and 3. No one cared then.

God, I am so horrible. What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I happy? I have a beautiful, amazing boy.

Maybe I’m crazy. Again, Kate, DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG. And get your shit together.

I want to go downstairs. I hate that it’s like this. I hate that it’s so hard with him. I hate that a two step process takes 17 with Cooper.

Do I throw a party? What’s the point? He wouldn’t care.

Do I invite people? What if he just watches tv? I could hide the tv….

My friends and family will judge me if I don’t have a party for him. Fudge. I can’t win.

Who would I invite?

He doesn’t have any friends.

Oh, my, God, I have a 4 year old who doesn’t have any friends. Nor does he care. (Insert tears)

What if he never makes friends? What if he never wants to be friends with Sawyer?

How can he not have friends? Sawyer spent the entire weekend talking about two babies at his daycare. How can Cooper not care about relationships with anybody?

Except me of course.

Poor Sawyer. Maybe I should have another baby. Bahhaaaaa. That’s hilarious. But maybe…

A good mom would have another baby.

 

Jamie says I think too much about Cooper. The problem is I don’t know how not too. He is my life. I try to shut if off and I do well for a while but the questions always creep back up. The not having friends thing hurts. And scares the shit out of me. But maybe it’s better that he doesn’t care. It would be worse to NOT have friends and care.

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11 thoughts on “A Conversation with Myself

  1. I love that your inner dialogue includes warnings to yourself to not put stuff in your blog! 🙂 He may not be able to speak, but he seems to have been able to communicate a bit more – or maybe you are just listening differently!
    PS, my son never had any desire to invite friends to his BD party, it was nothing but family and food until he was well into his teenage years. So, I won’t judge you for not having friends over!

  2. It is your blog put whatever you want in it. 🙂 We all have thought what you wrote. Every mom is on a different stage of this journey. You should hear my inner dialog. Mason received his dx 2 years ago and I am just now kind of accepting it is forever. It is a process and there is no right or wrong. You are doing a great job!! If people cannot understand why you wish your son could communicate, they are dumb. Love u ❤

  3. You need to have a celebration. And what four year has real friends anyway?!? I remember you wrote he surprised you on halloween- he is getting older and I bet this birthday will surprise you. My son is not autistic but he didn’t start talking until he was 3.5 (and only a few words until after 4) and he also has feeding issues. He has never eaten cake but I make one anyway / it’s his birthday after all! My son just turned 5 and still not eating cake but loved his candles. So what if he only half way opens one gift and watches tv – mine seemed to never notice until suddenly he did / and (had been paying attention the whole time )

  4. You should always put the truth and the reality into your blog posts – if nothing else, it’s a great antidote to all those sickly gushing “Oh I love autism’ posts that some some can’t stop putting in!

  5. I don’t know an autism parent (that is truly honest with themselves) that hasn’t had the same conversation in their head. It is in our nature as parents to want to do everything we can to help our kids have it easier. Our goal of easier is just different with our autistic kids than it is for our NT kids.

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