But holidays and autism will forever devastate me. And the holiday season is right around the corner.
I care a whole bunch about Halloween and Christmas and Birthdays. Judge away people. I know someone will want to tell me….”You can’t make Cooper celebrate. You are sad for yourself. You are sad because you are missing out.” And here is how I will respond.
HELLS YES I am sad for me.
As an autism mama I crave special moments with my son. I always will.
Halloween snuck up on me this year. Jamie and I had every intention of taking the boys trick-or-treating even though we both know Cooper won’t get it or even want too. We always try though. For us and for other people. We always try.
And to make matters worse….Sawyer had an accident. I’m not quite ready to share it with the world yet but I can say that he is improving and hopefully he will be 100% sometime soon. Anyhow, that’s not the point of the post.
The point is that this mom and dad are worn the F down. I get that. Sawyer has been extremely needy lately and per the usual Swenson crisis…NOT SLEEPING. My threshold for no sleep is right around 4 days and I mentally and physically shut down. I actually considered hiding under my desk yesterday. No go. I have a window.
I got home from work yesterday and the eleventh hour told me it was time to buy Cooper’s Halloween costume. I have been dreading this activity. The kid doesn’t get Halloween. He doesn’t care one bit. I also know he won’t wear hats and probably won’t wear a costume. And even if he decides to go to a house for candy he will only do it once or twice. He just doesn’t care.
But you know what…I care. I really do.
So, Jamie and Cooper and I went to Party City to pick out his costume. I had one thing in mind. Please let there be at least one character he can relate too. Cooper knows Thomas, Barney, Super Why, Elmo, and a few others.
As we stood there in front of a wall holding hundreds of costumes my heart just sank. My kid knows none of these. He is going to be 4 and he won’t wear one of these damn costumes. People were milling around and kids were shouting and excited and blah, blah, blah. Cooper sat in the cart and flailed. He wanted to be moving. He kicked and pushed at me and attempted on numerous occasions to knock stuff off the shelves. He likes destruction.
I was exhausted. Jamie was exhausted. Cooper was not.
I thought to myself…why can’t it just be easy. It’s a freaking costume buddy. It’s fun. Just wear a damn costume for me.
We picked out a fireman. Cooper doesn’t know what a fireman is so I asked Jamie to show him. Read a book or go on YouTube or whatever. Just show the kid.
And then I thought…wow, that’s kinda stupid. Wearing the costume is 10% of it. Being excited to show people and be with friends and get candy is the other 90%. And that part…I can’t teach him.
Damn holidays. So tomorrow I will pretend like I don’t care. Because that’s all that I can do.