This past week Jamie and Sawyer were wrestling on the couch. They were tickling and laughing and I was reading and sorta paying attention. I heard Jamie say something to Sawyer that absolutely took my breath away. Sawyer was babbling about balls and apples and playing ball and going outside. The usual with that kid. And then I hear Jamie say, as he was hugging him, “I can’t wait to take you to baseball games and play ball just like I did with my dad.” It was one of the most honest statements I have ever heard come out of his mouth. And it hurt my heart so bad.
I have never heard Jamie say anything like that before. Joking, yes. But never serious.
I have these same thoughts all the time. And I worry about saying them out loud because someone will judge me. I shouldn’t care but I do. I care that people will think I am a bad mom. Or that we have given up. And we haven’t. It’s just so devastating to have hope. And the sadness is so strong.
And I’m not just sad for me. My heart is broke for Jamie. I am so sad this his first son isn’t what we pictured. And I’m sad for Sawyer. Sad that his brother won’t play with him. Sad that as we look for neighborhoods we want to make sure we pick one with lots of kids for Sawyer to play with. Imagine how bad that hurts. We are constantly at war with ourselves. Are we giving up if we say those things?
I’m sad for Cooper’s grandparents. I am so sad that he won’t play with them. And I am sad for my friends. Sad that I lost some of them or that I am jealous of their kids. I just can’t hear about their kids…even though I love them more than words I just can’t.
Sad that we constantly miss events because I can’t see the other kids. I just can’t.
It is so much more than just Autism. And that part isn’t in any book. Autism is the biggest challenge I have ever encountered and it’s minimal compared to my heart being broken.
I left Jamie and Sawyer and wandered back to Cooper’s room. He was sitting on his floor watching a movie holding a giant piece of Styrofoam. All the pillows were off the bed. The chairs were knocked over and he was wearing one shoe. God he was cute just sitting there. I bent down really close to him and gave him the biggest hug I could. And kissed every single inch of his face.
He pointed to his Thomas movie and squealed in delight. And I lost it. Tears started streaming down my face. And he just giggled at something on the show.
Cooper has this innocence that I can’t even put into words. He is so unbelievably sweet. I wonder if he will ever lose that or if it’s here to stay.
My heart is broken and I don’t think it will ever be fixed.
We moved this weekend so Cooper can start his new school today. And don’t get me wrong, I am happy and excited but in a way I am just numb. He can’t tell me about school. He can’t tell me about his friends or his teachers. There will be nothing to look forward to when picking him up.
Jamie and I will drop him off at 1:30 and leave our nonverbal baby with new people in a new place and give them our last shred of hope. I am so scared.
And the one thing that no one will say out loud is…’what if it doesn’t work? What if this is it?”
I want to be excited about this new city and a new house. I really do. But I don’t think I’m fixable. I just want Cooper to get better. More than I can put into words.