I typically avoid all situations where I will get sad about Cooper’s differences. At this stage in the process it’s a must for this mama. This typically includes any events or activities where there will be kids that I know that are Cooper’s age. Quitting ECFE and a local Mommy and Me group were two of the best decisions I ever made. My heart just couldn’t take it.
So I was surprised yesterday when I almost broke down at Starbucks. I was at work and at 2 pm I realized that I hadn’t left my desk all day and that my ass was actually conforming to my chair. Eek! A caffeine run was a must.
I walked into Starbucks and ordered my typical drink, Caramel Macchiato, Venti, Skim, Extra Shot, Extra-Hot, Extra-Whip, Sugar-Free. I kid! How ridiculous is that drink?!? Just plain old coffee for me.
Right in line behind me was a woman and her daughter. The little girl was younger than Cooper. She was so happy to be on a date with her mom and couldn’t contain her excitement to order a hot chocolate and a cookie. I seriously stared at her. I couldn’t stop. Her bubbliness was infectious. I shook my head as I thought, “Cooper doesn’t know what a date is. Or a hot chocolate. Or a Starbucks. Or how to order. Or how to talk. Or how to stand in line.” I shit you not, I went on in my head for over a minute. I couldn’t stop. Internal word vomit at its worst.
The little girl ordered her drink and treat, waited, said thank you and then ran to pick out a table. I kept right on staring. I had no intention to stay and have my drink there but I had to see if this little girl was going to actually sit at the table with her mom. And she did. They chatted and had a real conversation. They talked about going to the park and her grandma and her baby sister and what she wanted for her birthday. I think at one point I may have snorted out loud. I actually dread Cooper’s birthday. He won’t know what’s going on….and that’s fine at 1 and 2. He’s going to be 4 this year. He doesn’t care about friends coming or a theme or presents or any of it.
I eventually left because I realized I was probably entering creeper status. And my mood had plummeted.
I am missing out. I know I am whining but if one cannot whine on their own blog than something is wrong. I want the carefreeness of raising Cooper. I want the cute moments and the silly conversations. And less worry. Oh my God I want less worry. I hate that I spend every free minute filling out forms for health with insurance and managing therapy schedules, etc.
I am starting to plan for Cooper going to school. Can you imagine what it feels like to send a NON VERBAL, 3 year old into the world. Or on a bus. He can’t tell me if something bad happens. Or if he gets lost he can’t ask for help. What if he’s thirsty or hungry and no one listens to his nonverbal requests. These thoughts are paralyzing. Part of me wants to keeps him with me forever and hide him from all the bad stuff out there. But, I can’t. It’s not the right thing to do.
I love the story below about worries in life. I used to always be at the paralyzed place where I was incapable of functioning. Now, I am there less and less. I told Jamie a year or so ago that I couldn’t take all the worry anymore. I felt like it was weighing me down and suffocating me. I told him I needed him to take my worry for a while. I needed him to fill out the forms and manage the schedules and make the phone calls. And he did. Not for long because I am a control freak when it comes to Cooper but he took it for a week or so. And I shut down and slept. It was a very freeing thing.