I’ve noticed that when I get sad about something Cooper related I will miss things. Subtle improvements.
I feel like my Cooper emotions are on a cycle. Something will make me sad, I’ll be down for a few days and then one of the boys will remind me how great they are and I’ll dig out. It’s a god damn roller coaster. And yes, my sads are less sad than they used to be. That sounds funny but it’s true. I’m getting stronger and life is going on and it takes more to sucker punch me these days.
And I’m happy to say we are on an up cycle. Yes! Cooper is transitioning well, laughing, engaging and even playing. On Wednesday he played on a wooden play set for 20 minutes. Slides and swings and running and jumping.
I noticed even more subtle improvements tonight as I put Cooper to bed tonight. We read one of his favorite books about a train and for the first time in a year he attempted to mimic the sound of a monkey, duck, bear and sheep. And we laughed and snuggled and kissed.
Tonight he ate dinner perfectly and even tried a piece of watermelon. And by tried I mean he held it in his mouth for 2.5 seconds before throwing it at me. God that kid is a beast. But he is so dang cute at the same time.
We had some big appointments on Tuesday. I’m still processing but I will say they were good. The funny thing about a diagnosis of your child is that they are still your child. Nothing changes. You still do baths and jammies and stories and hugs. They cry. You cry. They laugh. You laugh. Nothing’s changed. Cooper’s still Cooper. More to come on that.
For the first time since we learned of Coopers delays I’ve started feeling sad for Jamie. I guess I don’t know why it’s starting now. I think a little bit has to do with how MUCH I love. It’s crazy. And I know it. Along with that I feel MORE emotional pain that most. Another part is that I was sad for me. Part of this is grieving the child you pictured in your mind. And I had no time to feel bad for someone else.
But lately I’ve noticed what Jamie is missing. This is his first son. And Jamie’s friends are taking their 3-4 year olds fishing and hiking and playing to-ball. It’s not possible for us. And he doesn’t know what to say to friends that invite him. It’s heartbreaking. I think I’m ahead of him in the acceptance and understanding journey.
So…I plan on soaking up every second of these good days. I don’t know how long it will last and I don’t want to miss any of it.