Subtle Improvements

I’ve noticed that when I get sad about something Cooper related I will miss things. Subtle improvements.

I feel like my Cooper emotions are on a cycle. Something will make me sad, I’ll be down for a few days and then one of the boys will remind me how great they are and I’ll dig out. It’s a god damn roller coaster. And yes, my sads are less sad than they used to be. That sounds funny but it’s true. I’m getting stronger and life is going on and it takes more to sucker punch me these days.

And I’m happy to say we are on an up cycle. Yes! Cooper is transitioning well, laughing, engaging and even playing. On Wednesday he played on a wooden play set for 20 minutes. Slides and swings and running and jumping.

I noticed even more subtle improvements tonight as I put Cooper to bed tonight. We read one of his favorite books about a train and for the first time in a year he attempted to mimic the sound of a monkey, duck, bear and sheep. And we laughed and snuggled and kissed.

Tonight he ate dinner perfectly and even tried a piece of watermelon. And by tried I mean he held it in his mouth for 2.5 seconds before throwing it at me. God that kid is a beast. But he is so dang cute at the same time.

We had some big appointments on Tuesday. I’m still processing but I will say they were good. The funny thing about a diagnosis of your child is that they are still your child. Nothing changes. You still do baths and jammies and stories and hugs. They cry. You cry. They laugh. You laugh. Nothing’s changed. Cooper’s still Cooper. More to come on that.

For the first time since we learned of Coopers delays I’ve started feeling sad for Jamie. I guess I don’t know why it’s starting now. I think a little bit has to do with how MUCH I love. It’s crazy. And I know it. Along with that I feel MORE emotional pain that most. Another part is that I was sad for me. Part of this is grieving the child you pictured in your mind. And I had no time to feel bad for someone else.

But lately I’ve noticed what Jamie is missing. This is his first son. And Jamie’s friends are taking their 3-4 year olds fishing and hiking and playing to-ball. It’s not possible for us. And he doesn’t know what to say to friends that invite him. It’s heartbreaking. I think I’m ahead of him in the acceptance and understanding journey.

So…I plan on soaking up every second of these good days. I don’t know how long it will last and I don’t want to miss any of it.


9 thoughts on “Subtle Improvements

  1. Even small steps are steps forward and that is wonderful news. We have been on a bit of a roller coaster this week but had a good day today, and you are right it is so important to cherish the good days.

  2. Yup cherish the good days and hang on to those when challenging days erupt because they will. A lot of times it’s a pendulum…..swings one way then back. I agree it’s hard for the Dad when they have envisioned doing all the things that their friends do with their sons. I think what helped my other half was to find activities HE could take his son to ie swimming lessons. It’s not the same as fishing etc but the trick he said was to start somewhere and find the thing that allows for bonding.

  3. Never say never, your husband will find ways to do boy stuff. My son had a high sensitivity to noise, especially kids screaming. (still does) This year, he has pushed forward. In years past we did not go anywhere noisy or fun. I use to think it would never happen. Things are changing, he is learning to cope with the anxiety which being out of his comfort zone brings. I say keep savouring the small moments like you are. Cooper will astound you and probably already does.

  4. So I just tonight (sigh, I so suck) saw a comment you’d left on my about page months ago and first, I’m so sorry for missing it, but second, I’m so glad I’m here and that I was able to read and experience your wonderful words. When it comes to Cooper – never give up. My son was 3 1/2 when he entered preschool autism class and “ah” was water. He’s mostly kindof maybe talking now and when it comes to your husband, yeah, so much of it IS about giving up the dreams we’d imagined when we’d hoped for our kids. For all of us. It sounds like you’re doing everything just right though and that your little boy will teach your husband about the stuff that he needs to do to be a little boy.
    My son JUST (4th July) turned five and for the first time this week, he and my husband did a “catch” game with a balloon. The balloon was much slower and easier and more chasable by them both…. anyway. Glad I FINALLY found your blog and so sorry I didn’t find it sooner when you were hoping for more answers..

    • Hi there, No worries! Of all the blogs I read yours has helped me the most. Honestly, when I found it I read the whole entire thing and cried. Our boys sound so much alike. We just got the autism diagnosis a week ago. I am taking one day at a time and my focus is to get him into an autism preschool class. I have hope! Thanks for the comment lady. Again, your blog has helped me so much!!!

    • Kristi, Do you have a YouTube video called What it Means to be a Special Needs Mom? Someone just shared it on the Apraxia Facebook page. I am sobbing at my desk right now. Ever word was my life. Every single sentence. I loved it. Well done. I am going to share it on my blog. You are so amazing!!!!

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