Life has been crazy lately. And again, in a way, I love it because I don’t dwell on the little things. I ran a half marathon yesterday and I’ll tell you that one thought crossed my mind a dozen times. ‘One more step and maybe Cooper will talk.’ So silly, right? I can’t help it though. It’s the way my mom brain works. I am his voice. I am strong for him. When the running gets tough I always think of him. Like maybe in God’s spare time he is watching me. And maybe my running will mean he can talk one day. Like I’ve previously said…I can rationalize with the best of ’em.
In the past couple of busy weeks Sawyer has changed into a new kid. He is talking and learning and eager and curious and more. To be honest, he is a pure joy. He loves baseball and at any given time is carrying a baseball glove in one hand and a ball in the other. And then a second later he is putting a hat and diaper on a baby doll. Next he is attempting to ride a bike. Two minutes later he is sitting on the bathroom counter putting on makeup and jewelry. And then asking me for an apple.
I didn’t know it could be like this. Or more honestly, I didn’t know what I was missing. And it makes me feel really weird half the time. Am I supposed to happy for Sawyer or sad for Cooper? I have always been jealous of other kids Cooper’s age. It devestates me to see them. And now, I am jealous of Sawyer. And to take it one step farther, in tough social situations I manage Cooper. Sawyer is SO easy going that he can go with Jamie or anyone. I am the one walking Cooper around the yard or pushing him in a stroller. Half the time I feel like this mom looking in at my family. I am on the outside. I love Cooper and I will do whatever it takes but it sure is lonely when my whole family or friends or whomever is sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner and I am begging and pleading with Cooper to not freak out.
The other day Jamie was wrestling with Cooper. Jamie asked Cooper if he could see his teeth for whatever reason. Cooper instantly went limp and threw his head back and started screaming. I sat on the couch as this was happening and watched Sawyer try and get Jamie’s attention so he could show him his teeth. It was so simple. First, he patted him on the shoulder and then he opened his mouth and said ‘ah’ and then clenched his teeth together and smiled. And even more adorable, he wanted to show us. He was so proud. Then he put his fingers in my mouth to see my teeth.
I started crying. Now I know in this blog that I mention crying a lot but I REALLY am not a crier. It just hit me so hard. I saw these two boys that look so much alike and they have so many similarities. And then I saw a flash of different paths. And it hit me like a ton of freaking bricks.
Their brains are hardwired differently. It’s as simple as that. I get it. I really do. But how do I raise them and give them both the same opportunities. Is my life destined to be struggling with Cooper and missing everything Sawyer does? Will Sawyer miss out because Cooper can’t do certain things. It’s not fair.
How do I celebrate Sawyer and not be sad for Cooper? It’s so confusing. On the car ride home today Sawyer said a dozen words or so and Jamie and I chatted with him and laughed. He’s 16 months. And my 3.5 year old isn’t talking yet. And my heart is broken.
To put it simply: Hello, my name is Kate and my heart is broken. And it is what it is. Life is passing Cooper by and I feel like I have to choose which son to be with. It’s not fair. Right now, with Cooper, it’s therapy and movies and struggles over EVERYTHING. And with Sawyer it is so easy. And my biggest fear, right now, is that this is their future. I am jealous of my own son.