I have been hiding out. And insanely busy. I can honestly say I sorta like when that happens because I don’t dwell on little things. Like dirty houses or unfinished projects. And then life slows down and I am standing in chaos. So typical.
Cooper’s IEP meeting was last week. First, it was 2.5 hours long. In a tiny room, that was way too hot, with 4 people. The people were very, very, very nice. But, it doesn’t matter how nice they are when the focus on the meeting is everything that your child can’t do.
I went with a completely zen spirit. We both did actually. We found out when we arrived that this wasn’t actually the IEP…it was Cooper’s educational care plan. And for all the mom’s out there that are new to this a word of advice. Every single thing you ever say will go in this care plan. I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing it is just so weird. Cooper’s care plan was 20 pages long. Front and back. Oh. My. God. And this is why it took 2.5 hours.
The teachers did multiple tests with Cooper. He failed every single one of them. I know failed is a strong word but it’s the truth. “Average” kids score between 70-100. Cooper was in the 40’s in almost all categories. It was really hard to read that. And hear it. And discuss it. The only area that Cooper was in the average range was for fine motor and gross motor. I was surprised by that.
I wouldn’t say it was all negative but I had to dig pretty deep to find the positives.
At the very end we spoke about Cooper’s developmental delays and I finally broke down. I had a good 60 seconds of ugly crying. I felt like I was on a busy street with people rushing by me. I was sobbing and no one actually saw me. It was the weirdest feeling. I just wanted to be done with all of it. I wanted to run away.
I would describe it this way. 4 strangers are saying horrible things about your child. They hurt you and devastate you and you have no choice but to sit their and listen and take it. And then it dawns on you that the things are all true.
Cooper will attend a developmental preschool in the fall. He will go 4 days a week for 3 hours a day. They will offer him speech, OT and PT. The preschool will be 100% language focused. There will be a max of 8 kids in the class with 1 teacher and 2-3 aides. Their other focuses will be on establishing a routine. This is the best possible outcome that could have came from all of this. We are meeting on Thursday at the preschool to write his IEP.
I want to be happy. I really, really do. I am just so numb to all of it. My hope is so unbelievably low. I love Cooper and I always will. I will fight for him until I die but on the inside I want to give up. I think I am so scared that he will go to school and it won’t help. What if I have the one child that school doesn’t help? In 6 months Cooper will be four. That is so scary.
I am passed hoping Cooper has a normal life. Passed hoping that he goes to school and makes friends and plays sports. Right now I am hoping that some day he can put his own shoes on. And say “I love you” mom. And maybe go into a store and use a bathroom. Or ask a person for help. And at this very moment I can’t say with certainty that he will ever do those things. I want to be wrong.