I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for myself and for our situation. To put a date on it I have been struggling since Easter. I think it’s all so real now. Most likely because of all the evaluations. They are so brutal. And, of course, I know a label/diagnosis is coming and I can’t run anymore. But, it’s time to dig out of this funk. I am ready. I will throw this kid on my back and climb up a damn mountain if I have too. Being sad doesn’t get you anywhere. And I can tell Cooper is on a good streak right now so I better enjoy it while it lasts!
Yesterday, the school psychologist went to Cooper’s daycare to observe him. This HAD to be done in order for Cooper to qualify for a developmental preschool through the school district. I felt weird about it. Maybe that’s the wrong word. It’s more than I am at ‘enough is enough.’
So, I called the psychologist today to see how it went. We ended up talking for 45 minutes about everything. She said Cooper was amazing. He was comfortable, quiet, engaged, excited, happy, etc. This is the kid that I know. Not this little demon that appears every time we enter an evaluation room. See, I NEED people to understand that my kid (and maybe other kids) acts completely different in certain situations. And it’s exhausting.
Anyhow, she confided in me that she knows Cooper is delayed in all areas and that he will definitely qualify for services. That is good. But, she also said that she isn’t sure about the diagnosis side. We are meeting with her at our house next Thursday for the final piece of the evaluation puzzle. I hate that this stuff isn’t black and white.
Here is what I know. Cooper is maturing. He’s understanding more. He’s communicating more. Every day is getting a little easier. He’s sleeping amazing and even transitioning well. My baby is almost 3 1/2. We have no words yet. What else. He is so stinking cute it hurts.
My blog traffic is booming lately and I feel like I need to say something. Maybe just for me but it still needs to be said because I have been thinking about it nonstop. I am new to this. New to Apraxia and Special Needs and Autism and honestly new to being a mom. Cooper is only 3. I am so freaking scared all of the time. I never knew this kind of fear even existed. Half the time I feel like I am going to drowned from the weight of the worry. I get to the point where the thought of one more thing makes me hyperventilate. And while I have a great support system, I don’t always get the emotional responses that I need in real life so I turn to this blog to say how I feel. And honestly, it has changed my life. I have felt more virtual hugs than I ever thought possible.
In saying that, I need you all to know that I am good mom. I love my son so much. I would trade anything for a promise that he will have a happy life. My boys are my life. I don’t love one more than the other. They are both perfect to me. If I write something that makes it seem like I am a bad mom please understand that I am scared and I am having a bad day.
I am honestly just trying to survive.
And I am not to the acceptance part yet. I so much want to be but I am not. I can’t change how I feel.
Just please understand that I am trying to navigate through this journey blind. And I am documenting it because I know in my heart there are other moms and dads that are scared shitless just like me. All I ever wanted was to find someone out there that could relate to what I was going through.
So, that’s that I guess.