I can think of a dozen times throughout this journey where I have considered taking my family and moving away. I fantasized that we would buy a cabin on a lake somewhere. Jamie and I would both work from home and we would raise the kids the way we wanted too. I would even homeschool the boys.
Doing this seemed so right. Probably because the parent of a special needs child lives in constant Fight or Flight mode.
I guess what I am really trying to say is that I fantasize about running away from Cooper’s issues. I tell myself that if we are alone I won’t worry about judgments from other people or diagnosis’s from doctors. It won’t matter if he is different because it would just be us.
There are 101 reasons why we never moved away. And probably never will.
And then today, at the end of yet another exhausting evaluation at the school district, the gym teacher brought our little family into the gym. She then brought in a class of 5 year olds to play with Cooper. Cooper was sitting on Jamie’s lap as the teacher asked the kids to run in a circle. It took a whole 2 seconds before Cooper was running in a circle with them. He then proceeded to jump with them and do pushups and a bunch of other activities. This was his BEST DAY. I could see it in his face.
He wants to play. And he wants to make friends. And I can’t hold him back from that by stealing him away.
I am sobbing as I write this. I am always so scared and as I watched him with those kids it was like time stood still. That simple activity gave me 10 minutes where I got to be like the other parents. For 10 minutes Cooper wasn’t different. He was just this little peanut who LOVED being one of the big kids.
I could steal him away and hide from all of this. We could hide from society and autism and apraxia and whatever else you want to add in there. But the bottom line is that Cooper loves people too much. He wouldn’t be happy hiding. It would be selfish of me to do that to him. And as a mama, there is no time for selfishness.