I wouldn’t consider myself to be a super religious person. I firmly believe in God and that he touches everything. Heck, I pray to God every single day and I have turned to God during especially hard times in my life.
But there is something I need to get off of my chest. Faith is a funny thing. It is so easy to have Faith until it is actually put to the test. It is so easy to tell someone to trust in God’s plan. But when you are devastated and your heart is broken you will feel lonelier than you ever thought possible. And you will question why this is happening and why you don’t recognize your life anymore. And very slowly your faith will start to waiver. You will say a million silent prayers and it will feel like no one hears you. You can hold on for a while but it will get dimmer and dimmer. And all of a sudden you will find yourself at a point where you are angry at God for doing this to you and your child and your family and your life.
It is easy to trust God when things are good. Not so easy when things are hard.
And what if you don’t agree with God’s plan. I bet every single parent of a child like Cooper has prayed and begged for it to change. But it doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t change with the snap of a finger. You can’t bargain your way out of it. It just is. I guess you can pray for acceptance and for support but that doesn’t always come overnight either.
I am not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess it is just that I am human. Cooper is human. Our family is human. And we are allowed to be sad and disappointed. We are allowed do-overs and mental vacations. We are allowed to lose faith and hope for a while and even be mad at God. We are human. I think I am just tired of people telling me it is going to get better. I just want to be sad and mad right now. I am at that point in the grieving process. I need people to stop saying it’s going to get easier because it might not. And I feel like I am the only person that sees that.
As for a Cooper update…he is plugging along. We all are. His attitude isn’t necessarily worse and that is a good thing. But he also hasn’t had an improvement in a long time. Too long. Like over a month. That’s the stuff that kills a mom. I watch Sawyer (15 months) feeding himself with a fork/spoon and bringing his dirty diapers to the garbage and I think that Cooper still can’t always do those tasks. It’s like the world is passing Cooper by and he doesn’t care. He is content just watching a movie or playing trains. He has no desire to grow up and become independent. It’s been tough.