Ever since Cooper was 1 or so I realized that he doesn’t understand holidays. Or presents. And he doesn’t care about food so that part is out. He’s afraid of seeing Santa or the Easter Bunny so that is out too. And he hates activities so there is no dying Easter eggs or carving pumpkins. I can get him dressed up in a cute outfit but he won’t sit still for a picture.
Yesterday was awful for me. It was the worst holiday I have ever had. Honestly, I am not looking for a pity party in anyway. I just want the other parents out there with kids like Cooper to know that I get it. It so freaking sucks. And seeing other kids makes it SO MUCH WORSE. I know I should stop caring about stupid things like Easter Baskets and birthday parties. I can logically tell myself that Cooper doesn’t care and that I should get over it. Saying and doing are two completely opposite things.
Cooper is different. It has taken me 3 years, 4 months and 15 days to be able to say that without feeling sick. The differences are now blatantly looking me in the face. There is no more hiding them.
It started with the whining right away in the morning. Church was an absolute nightmare. To avoid the awfulness we decided to bring Cooper’s LeapPadUltra for him to play in the crying room. Normally, we would NEVER do this but honestly we just wanted a nice experience. As Cooper was ushered in the crying room he LOST HIS SHIT. We were a little late (also attributing to the horrible holiday) and we were trying to keep Cooper quiet. He doesn’t understand quiet. He progressively got louder and more worked up. I swear the whole freaking church turned around to see who was beating their child. Even the LeapPad couldn’t calm him down.
I found myself staring aimlessly out the window and repeating the same sentence over and over again. And over again. “Please, let him be different. Please let him be different.”
On the way home I said nothing. I am to the point where there is nothing left to say. Jamie said to Cooper, “Way to go Cooper, you broke mom.”
I gave him his Easter presents when we got home. A Thomas hat and shirt. A new truck book, a new train and candy. He didn’t care. He just wanted to watch a movie.
It’s not fair that he doesn’t care. It’s not fair that he screamed during our whole dinner or that Sawyer can’t nap because of the constant whining. It’s not fair that he is sucking every bit of life out of me and my husband and my marriage.
And there is no one to be mad at. I mean honestly, I can’t get mad at Cooper. He can’t help it. I can’t get mad at Jamie. I can’t get mad at myself. I guess I could be mad at God but what the hell will that do.
I am so scared that it isn’t going to get easier.