I do a lot of bargaining. More than I probably should at this stage in the game. I mean, honestly, Cooper is 3.4. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I’ve been waiting almost 2 1/2 years for a first word. Isn’t that crazy? Every month that goes by I silently add up the months in my head. 1.4 years of speech. 1 year of occupational therapy. What else? 2 years until kindergarten. I’m almost OCD about it. And then I bargain.
I probably should be a lot farther in the stages of grief. I blame this on a few things.
Cooper has moments, hours, even days where he is a completely normal kiddo. And I hold onto those moments so tight. There are days with no whining. No sensory issues. Days where he completely surprises me. He will understand everything I say. Even participates perfectly in therapy.
It would be so much easier for my mind and heart to accept Cooper if he didn’t have these moments. I keep telling myself that if he was autistic or did have sensory processing disorder he would have it ALL the time. In ALL settings. Not just every other day or so.
So, in a way, those great moments are keeping me going. Stringing me along.
If I had a quarter for every time I said something like, ‘just let him talk. I’ll do anything. I can handle autism or any of it if you just let him freaking talk.’ I would be a very, very rich woman. I need to hear his voice. Sometimes, it’s all I can think about.
And then I’ll see other kids who are more naughty than Cooper or more delayed or less social and they talk. I don’t understand. Why? I need someone to explain it to me in a way I can understand. Why?
And then I bargain some more. “I’ll take the autism. I’ll take the apraxia. Just let him talk. I don’t even care if he can only be understood 75% of the time. Just let him talk to me.”
And this bargaining doesn’t get me anywhere. Maybe I’m not bargaining with the right people. Or not offering enough as collateral. I’ll do anything though.
Here is what I do know. I watched a video on the apraxia Facebook page about a little boy who is 5.5. He didn’t have any words until 3.5 and then had a language explosion. I watched this video 5 times. I showed Jamie. And then I watched it again. Tears streamed down my face as I watched him answer questions and say words. I LOVE this little boy. He is Cooper a year from now. The mom gave me more hope than I ever thought possible.
It is going to happen for us. I just know it.