I guess I just don’t understand when it happened. I am sitting here trying to remember when it got hard. Cooper was a difficult sleeper from birth but besides that he was a great baby. Loved to eat. Loved to snuggle. Loved to be moving.
Then we had the pooping issues. Then the hearing aid debacle. And I will say that whole shit show toughened me up. I learned how to trust my mommy gut with that one. I also learned about heartbreak. And that something can happen and in an instant you are changed. You will be so surprised by how a diagnosis can change you. Change the way you look at your child. It’s a lot. Trust me.
But, when did it get really hard? When did meal time get so awful? When did the whining really take full effect? When did the lack of sleep make me a crazy person? I can’t seem to place a date or time. Maybe it was when Sawyer was born. Or maybe it was when I got sucked into doing ALL of the therapy. Or maybe it was when I personally started to notice that Cooper was behind. I really don’t know. All of a sudden it just was.
And then I look at myself. At my marriage. When did I become like this? So angry. So disappointed. So emotional. When did my heart actually break? And that one is easier to answer. It happened when I learned that Cooper was different and that his future was unknown. And it especially happened when I learned that some kids don’t talk. That one killed me.
I guess I can think of the specific moments that broke me. Cooper’s haircuts were one. Doctor’s appointments were another. I can think of a few moments where teacher’s told me that he exhibited signs of autism. I remember sobbing for a full evening and begging God to make it different. And saying to my mother, “I don’t want him mom. I don’t want an autistic kid.’ And then I remember hating myself for thinking it. Because what kind of person doesn’t want their own kid?
I think I am just tired. Tired of the unknown. Tired of it being hard. Tired of hoping and praying and wishing that he will be different. So where is this coming from you ask? Yesterday I seemed so happy. I’m like a damn one-man show these days. Up and down.
Cooper had his first speech appointment this morning after having a couple months off. He was happy to be there and played with his therapist on and off. But, when he is done, he is done. He grabs his coat and swings it around and screams and goes limp and so on. I don’t FREAKING get it. Why? What is so hard about sitting and playing kid? I think about Sawyer and he would LOVE to sit their and play with this fun lady. Heck, I can think of a million kids. But not mine. And for the life of me I can’t make him want to be there.
I spoke with Jamie and told him how I was feeling and ended it with ‘Judge away. I know I am a horrible person.” He responded with, “You’re not horrible. You’re human. Let’s just get through this 4 weeks of disappointment and move on with our lives.”
When did it come to this? I am so freaking mad.