I called my mom and cried today. I haven’t cried in quite some time over all of this. I was able to get out of the house alone and run some errands and as I was driving I finally broke down crying. I have been holding it in for a few days and it just got to be too much.
The day-to-day with Cooper is so hard. Let me rephrase that. If we let Cooper do whatever he wants life is easy. If we challenge him all hell ‘can’ break loose. It’s getting too hard. It’s wearing me down to nothing.
And my husband and I see our situation differently. And that part is lonely.
And lastly, I am so utterly sad. I want him to be different. I know that’s awful. Trust me when I say I love Cooper more than anything in this whole world. But I need a positive glimpse of the future. Anything that can keep me moving in the right direction.
Cooper is not a fun child. I actually feel lighter as I type that. It has taken me a year to be able to say it out loud. And then months before I could say it to Jamie. I think it hurt me so badly to even think it for a while. I felt like I was being mean or letting my son down. I promised when I started this blog that I would be always be honest because I know there are other moms out there that are feeling the same things.
It’s not that he’s not social or won’t play. Or that he doesn’t want to interact with you. He just doesn’t find interest in a lot of activities for more than 30 seconds. And that is hard. I want so badly to play with him. And right now he only wants to watch cartoons.
I know I am lucky in some ways too. Cooper loves snuggling and hugging and kissing. He loves sitting on my lap. He loves holding my hand. In the mornings he has to lay in bed between Jamie and I. (As I type this he is sitting next to me trying to hold my hand.) He laughs constantly. And it’s infectious. He begs to be tickled and thrown in the air. He loves having his back rubbed. Some moms with kiddos like Cooper don’t get these moments. So thank you God for giving them to me.
But, the good times don’t make the hard times easier. I pictured my life so differently. I pictured my son differently. I had a vision of what my life would be like and this wasn’t it.
I am trying to adapt but I’m not quite there yet. And I don’t know if I ever will fully get there. Everyone I talk too promises me it will get easier. And I pray that they are right.