Have you ever heard of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game? Basically it’s this game where every person in Hollywood is somewhat connected with Kevin Bacon. My life is like this…except I would call it the ‘One Degree of Cooper’. Every single thought that goes through my head goes back to Cooper and my non-stop worry. I’m not joking. I see Cooper in every kid. Every person actually. And I have noticed that it’s starting to get out of control. I worry during the day. I worry at night. There are no boundaries.
Yesterday, Jamie and I went out on a date. We got a last-minute sitter and went out for dinner and drinks. Nothing special or extravagant. Just 5 hours where we didn’t have to be parents. For the first 2 years of Cooper’s life we never had a sitter. Not for any particular reason we just never really found anyone. And now that we have one it is the best thing in the world.
So back to the One Degree of Cooper. And let me add that this only affects me and I have to hide it from Jamie. If he knew the constant worry that I have he would think I was crazy. Every child I see makes me think of Cooper. Of his future and the unknown. And it doesn’t help that I am a super observant person. It’s a damn curse I tell you!
We were sitting at the restaurant and I see a mom walking her son to the bathroom. He looks to be Cooper’s age and is chatting away about his dinner. Heartbreak. I see another boy sitting on a chair eating. Cooper could never do that. He is too hyper. And it goes on. I see a super charismatic server who looks like a college kid and I wonder if Cooper will ever go to college. Little kids to older kids. It doesn’t matter. I see Cooper in all of them. Or what Cooper could be I guess.
And it goes on. Jamie goes to the bathroom and I pull up Facebook on my phone and watch a video of a 2-year-old boy with Apraxia. Jamie comes back and says no more Apraxia videos tonight.
Every little voice I hear makes me think of him.
As we are leaving I see a little girl with obvious special needs. She is probably 10 or so. Her parents look tired and worn down. Is that our future?
It never ends. I know I shouldn’t do this to myself but I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. But I am smart enough to know that the worrying doesn’t help. And when I spend all that time worrying I miss the good.
So, I want my goal for the week to be to stop worrying. Even if it’s just for certain hours a day. I need to learn how to shut it off.