Tuesday was a really tough day and it took me by surprise how hard it hit me. Just when I think things are getting better WAM. Like a freight train. I am so mad and so sad all the time that it just wears me down to nothing. And I’m tired of being mad and sad and tired of being tired. But most of all I’m tired of expecting things to be different. Maybe I need a big dose of acceptance? Maybe that’s the missing piece.
I spent most of the day at work after Cooper’s appointment staring at my computer with crazy manic thoughts running through my head. I alternated between, he needs more therapy, it’s never going to get better, why me, we need to move closer to family, I can’t do this anymore, that kid is so lucky he is cute, blah, blah, blah. I progressively worked myself up more throughout the day.
When I left work to go home to Jamie and the boys I was actually still a little mad at Cooper. Awful, right? And then I pull in the driveway and the peanut is standing at the window waiting for me. The second he sees me he points and gets a grin on his face a mile wide. He starts bouncing up and down and my heart burst into a million pieces.
And it hit me. This sweet little boy has no idea. He doesn’t know that so many people in this world are praying for him. He doesn’t know that I have shed millions of tears. He doesn’t know the fighting I have done…with myself…with other people. That I don’t sleep because of the worry. That I don’t recognize myself anymore. That I have lost relationships. Lost myself. Lost hope. He doesn’t know what he is missing or the journey ahead of him.
He’s just Cooper. My sweet little boy. A little boy who is so happy to see him mom and give her kisses and hugs. And I thanked God that he’s mine.
So in the house I went. We spent the evening building forts and playing basketball. We tickled and wrestled and laughed. Read a hundred books and then snuggled in bed. It was a great night. Just what I needed.