In another life I would have had 4 or 5 babies. I love babies. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. I love being pregnant and the excitement of waiting to meet the new love of my life. I love the baby grunts and the smell and nursing and all of it. Simply put, there is nothing in this world better than being a mom.
But it’s not just baby smiles and snuggles. There is the issue of money. Daycare costs. The issue of time. Of working. Of managing a household. Every mom can relate to that feeling of failing at everything. I often say, ‘if I could just get control of one area of my life I would feel better.’ If I could just get my laundry done or get my baby books organized or whatever.
Then, there is the white elephant in the room. Managing Cooper is a full-time job. It emotional and rewarding and the days are long and hard. Could we really manage life with a 3rd baby? And I am pretty lucky to have one of those amazing husbands that helps with babies. We really do it together but it’s still hard.
After hubs said to me that this might be our last baby I choked up a little bit. And for more than one reason.
First, I want one more baby. I want to try for a girl. I want a daughter so badly. But I would love any baby God wanted to give me. Mom to three boys sounds pretty good too! (Exhausting but good.) I want to be pregnant one more time. I want to nurse one more time. (As I type this I am weaning Sawyer and pretty sad about it.)
But there is also another reason I want another baby. A sad, pathetic reason I don’t even like to say out loud. I need to know that Sawyer will have a “normal” sibling. I need the reassurance that he won’t be alone. I want him to have a sibling to play with. And maybe Cooper will play with him but I just don’t know. It’s still unknown.
And what if Cooper needs care for his whole life. This most likely won’t happen but who knows at this point. I don’t even know what tomorrow brings. I can’t put that pressure on Sawyer alone. It’s just too much to think about. To sad really.
I don’t know what the future will bring but I do know that if we were to try for a 3rd baby it wouldn’t be for a few years. We need some breathing room and to get our bearings.
Have a great Tuesday all!