I Give Up

Crying GirlI give up. Simple as that.

I had a tough night followed by a tough morning.  And honestly, that makes 10 months of tough nights in a row. My kids don’t sleep. I’m still nursing our youngest and he feels the need to nurse at least twice at night. And Cooper…well, he either sleeps 7-7 like a perfect angel or wakes up 2-3 times a night crying. We have never been able to figure out what the magic potion is. Nightlight, sound machine, Nuk’s, fan, earlier bedtime, later bedtime, etc. He either sleeps or he doesn’t.

My husband decided this morning to try to switch out the car seats before our 9 am speech appointment. Did I mention it’s -14 degrees in Minnesota right now. The roads are covered in ice and it’s butt cold out. I got a late start to speech because the car seats were frozen and once he unlatched them he couldn’t get them back in. ARGH!  And then Cooper whined the whole way. From what I could gather he wanted Dad to come with.

Cooper attends speech at a Scottish Rite Clinic and has an amazing therapist. And Cooper either does really, really well or really, really bad. Today, he didn’t feel like participating or vocalizing. He would do an activity for 1 minute and then move onto the next. He was a monster in the waiting room before and after. And through it all he whined and yelled.

His speech appointments are so hard. I try to be strong. I really do. I even build myself up and lower my expectations. And I’m not expecting this kid to talk. But I sure as hell want him to try. Just try buddy. Just participate. Just play with your therapist. Please. We are trying to help you. We all are working towards the same goal. Communication.

Cooper whined the whole way back home. He wanted to watch a movie. I cried the whole way home. I honestly want to give up. I want to throw my hands in the air and say, YOU WIN UNIVERSE! You got me.

I dropped the boys off at home and turned around to go back to work. To the job I can’t keep up with because of all these speech appointments. I thought about how angry I am. How tired I am. How sad I am. And I decided, I am going to give up. No more. I can’t do this anymore. I want to focus on my marriage. And my job. And both my sons. Not just Cooper. I want to love Cooper and play with him and not always be teaching him. I want to have zero expectations for his future and to not worry all the time. I want my life back.

In my 20 minute drive I got really worked up. And then it hit me. Even if I quit it all, Cooper is still Cooper. Me quitting isn’t going to change his personality. Or his delays. Or make him talk.

And then I got really mad. And now I am staring at this computer and I don’t even know what to say. I’m stuck and I can’t change any of it.

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7 thoughts on “I Give Up

  1. Oh honey, the tough days can be really, really shitty can’t they 😦 I often fantasize about grabbing Mercedes and running away from it all, but like you say, running away doesn’t change what is.
    It’s always harder when you’ve had no sleep too, and it really does sound like the universe was conspiring against you to have a good ole laugh at your expense. But hang in there, just keep swimming as Dory would say. You will get through today, and tomorrow, and the days and weeks and years ahead. You are strong mama bear, you are strong. There will be lots more days like today, shitty days when you feel like screaming, but I promise they will be far outnumbered by the good ones xx

  2. Oh my gosh. I’ve been sitting at my laptop for five minutes trying to think of a reply. I have none….except to say that I read your post….and please consider yourself “cyber-hugged.”

  3. Just found your blog and it is like I am reading my own thoughts. Thank you for writing them all down. It is so hard. But we can’t quit. There is always hope.

    • Hi there! Yup. There is always hope. I think for me too I had to adjust what hope meant. For so long I thought, this kid is going to talk and be fine and I am going make it though this. Now, I have lowered my standards. Cooper and I are going to survive this together. I still have freak out moments every single day but I am trying my damndest to keep moving forward. Hugs! Thanks for reading.

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