This is a hard post to write but I need to do it. I need to know there are other moms out there who feel like I do. I love my son. I love every single thing about him. He is my life. But there are moments when I would give anything for him to change.
Having a child who doesn’t talk is really, really lonely. There are no ‘mama’s or I love you’s.’ There are no ‘why’s or ‘I do its.’ The car ride home from daycare is the loneliest part of my day. I want him to talk to me. To tell me what he did. Anything. Meal time is sad. Going to bed is sad. Yes, I get kisses. I get hugs. I get snuggles. But I want to laugh with him. I want to know what he is thinking. What does he love? What does his voice sound like.
Think about all the cute things children say. I want Cooper to do that. I am so jealous that sometimes I think it is going to make me explode. I feel like we are missing out on so much. I am resentful of my friends who have perfectly normal kids. I’ve said this before…this has changed me. I’m just so sad.
It’s his birthday tomorrow. He is going to be 3. I thought for sure things would be different at 3. I have known for a long time that speech is our new normal. But I thought for sure he would have a word. Just one. I thought I would have more hope.
I feel like I have been holding my breath for 3 years. Waiting for a diagnosis. Waiting for the other ball to drop. What’s next? Honestly, what else can you throw at us? Just please God let him talk. Please.
Tomorrow we are going to celebrate like crazy people! Our perfect son is turning 3. I won’t be sad. Or angry or jealous. I am going to enjoy him and love him. And pray to God that this is our year.